Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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