I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
