I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
