dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
