Do you still have your period?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
