oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
