apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
