And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
