Cold hands, warm shart.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
