Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
