can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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