why didn't you poke me back
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
