recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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