just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
