Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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