I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
