mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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