the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
