The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
