My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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