I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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