Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
