and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
