He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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