exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
