I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my shit smells like andre
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
