I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
