if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
