Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
