T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
