Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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