So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
