I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
