Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
