I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
