lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
