I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
