Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
