He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
