People in love make me want to vomit
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
