Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
