i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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