I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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