:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
