just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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