he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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