I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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