at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
