I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
