i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
