guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
